Certs:
What the Hell is Retsyn, Anyway?
Author: Danger
Certs...with RETSYN®. They've been saying that for years, as if RETSYN® was this
amazing wonder ingredient. I always wondered exactly what the hell RETSYN® was, and I decided to
do a little research.
I kicked around on the Web for a while, searching at the various Search Engines for the word "retsyn." Amazingly,
there are only about 15 instances of the word RETSYN® on the Internet. To that end, I suppose that
this essay is a good thing, as I will have added two more instances of that word once the web bots get around to indexing
this page. Whoo Hoo!
Most of what I found out there was completely irrelevant - people claiming that they only like people with RETSYN®
and the like. I did find a rap song by that ever-so-famous artist
Maestro Fresh-Wes (who?) which bears
the title: Certs Wid Out Da Retsyn (if you think I am kidding, check out the link). Although I was hoping for some
sort of sample of the vastly underrated talents of Mr. Fresh-Wes, I was disappointed in my efforts. Perhaps I will have to
procure this album and create my own clips...
And then, as I began to dispair, I happened to stumble upon the holy grail of my quest: an actual ingredient list of
RETSYN® itself. Boy was I ever disappointed. Direct from the
Certs Cool Mint Drops Page, located on a site which I can only describe as
a repository of useless tidbits, http://www.gum-mints.com/, I give you the ingredient
list of RETSYN®:
RETSYN®a combination of Partially Hydrogenated Cottonseed Oil, Copper Gluconate and Flavoring.
Words fail me. I was expecting something remotely scandalous, like ALAR or maybe some nice tetra-alkyl piperdilamines. Perhaps
Rogaine. Or little pieces of the Nechronomichon. Maybe the pasteurized sweat of Kathie Lee Gifford's children workers. But no.
Oil, Copper sugar, and something vague (much akin to this whole Red #5 thing, but that will be another topic for another day).
I have to ask the question: Why the hell would Certs make such a big deal about this whole RETSYN® thing? Sure,
it is one hell of a marketing idea - I can just see the little marketing weasel who came up with this one running into a meeting,
sweaty with excitement (as weasels do tend to get when they are excited), proclaiming "Let's give ourselves a competative advantage
by making it appear that we have something that no one else does. Let's trademark a conglomeration of regular ingredients! Ha ha ha
ha ha!" Oh, yes. I can see that happening.
What scares me even more is that there was probably a group of lunkhead middle managers sitting around in this meeting who thought that was
just about the brightest idea that they had ever heard. And being that they were middle managers, it probably was.
Another thing about which I am curious is the name RETSYN®. Where would one come up with such a thing? When something makes as
little sense as that, one almost has to imagine it to be an acronym of sorts. So here's what I have come up with thus far as possilbe acronyms:
Removes Enormous Terrible Stink from Your iNnards.
Really Excellent Tasting Strong Yellow Nectar (This despite the fact that it is blue)
Ridiculously Enlarged Tongue Satisfies Your Needs
wRETched SYNcopation
Being a child of the 80s and having had my parents be concerned about the possible Satanic influences of listening to Ozzy Osbourne records
backward (which is not so easy to do, I will have you know), I had to look at the backwards spelling of RETSYN®, which of
course is NYSTER. I looked that up in the dictionary. Not a word. I checked the Web as well. Apparently we are the first ever to
use this word. I did, however notice that if "NYSTER" were to be in the dictionary, the closest word to it would be nymphomania.
The possibilities are almost too good to continue with this. But I caught this ball, and so I'll run with it. That being said, I
hereby define the word NYSTER to be thus:
- nyster \'nî-stur\ n 1 A nymphomaniac who enjoys eating any variety of breath mints containing
RETSYN®, particularly during intercourse.
That being defined, I feel that I have really clairified what Restyn is, at least as much as I care to at this time of day. So,
I will just leave you to ponder that, and spread the word. If we get enough people saying that someone is a nyster, maybe we
will make it into the Oxford English Dictionary. But until then, it will have to serve its term as a nugget of vernacular slang.
~Danger
June 29, 1997 1:32am EDT
|